Last week I was interviewed for a Podcast by Beth Martens – the author of the GREAT book ‘Journey‘ – which she calls ‘King Hero Interviews’.
It was great to be invited to the conversation and yes I also had to brush up on my King Hero persona beforehand.
I also did not get the topic of discussion ‘Navigating Complex Relationships‘ until about 18 hours before the call, of which were 8hrs of sleep.
So I was interested in where the conversation would go.
Beth was also quite vocal about her views over the last few years, so I knew she would be asking me some very specific questions about my thoughts around health measures, government over reach, suspect ‘science’, the state of the world, polarization and where I thought we were heading in the future.
In the end, complex relationships turned out to be a great topic to explore.
How do we manage complex relationships, when there may be (very) polarizing beliefs that challenge the fabric and durability of many relationships – intimate, familial, friends, and even work colleagues?
So we dived in (for almost 2hrs) and these are some of the key things that came to mind for me.
The No 1 thing (IMHO)
Many moons ago I decided to write 5 books over 10 years.
It was one of those big hairy audacious goals (BHAG).
It was called The Guidebook Series, and I was going to write a book on happiness, health, success, relationships and spirituality, to cover all bases.
As you know I wrote The Guidebook to Happiness, The Guidebook to Optimum Health, The Guidebook to Authentic Success, and then I was all primed to write The Guidebook to Spectacular Relationships (or something sounding like that), but…
I started to map out the structure and content for the book on relationships and then I had a epiphany.
I realised I had written about 80% of this content before – in my last 3 books.
I realised most of the ‘success‘ in a deep, fulfilling and enriching intimate relationship was based on the work we did on OURSELVES.
Yes there were relationship-specific things to do and not do (e.g. select the right person), and strategies to use (e.g. The 5 Love Languages), but in general, the bulk of the work to have a great relationship came down to how we showed up…based on the work we had done on ourselves.
So this is the first thing for me, when it comes to navigating your way through complex relationships.
Am I in the right state (e.g. calm) to have that ‘tough conversation’?
Have I done the work on my own limiting beliefs, so that I don’t come into conversation with an unconscious bias?
Have I worked on filling up my own (self) love tank, so I am not dependent on the other person for my sense of being?
Have I worked on managing my emotional state and my nervous system, so I am not in a reactive state when in this relationship?
To navigate challenging relationships and relationship issues, we need to do the work to ensure that we show up as the greatest version of ourselves, so we shine a light on whatever arises.
Maintaining perspective.
Maintaining equanimity.
This increases the likelihood of a positive result in our relationship challenges.
ALL relationships are complex
I was interested as to what Beth had in mind when she was defining ‘complex relationships’.
In my mind they are all pretty complex.
I don’t know about you, but I am crap at mind reading.
I am also VERY aware that no 2 people have EVER had the same two life experiences.
Which makes me often amazed that two people can actually come together (with a lifetime of different experiences, beliefs, values, teachers, definition of values, map of the world, opinions, etc.) and actually agree on anything.
So I think it is a good premise to start with, when it comes to relationships, that they are likely to be complex, and the other person is likely to be different (in a whole bunch of things) so be ready for this and know that is the stuff you will need to navigate your way through.
And IF there are too many differences, especially with things like Values, then maybe this is not the relationship for you.
In that case, the navigational technique might be to avoid that relationship all together, like a ship avoiding a reef or a sand bar.
When we respect that we will all have differences, and that is not only okay, but 100% likely, it can ease our attachment to being bothered by other peoples differences.
Not easy, but possible.
It’s our best guess
It is clear the last few years have challenged us to not only get clear of our core beliefs and values are; but in some cases to take radical measures to keep, protect and honour those beliefs and values.
I believe that prior to 2020, we were rarely, and definitely not collectively (or publicly), highly pressured to ‘choose a side‘ when it came to our beliefs or opinions, which means we didn’t get to see a lot of these deeper held beliefs and values among our families, friends, and colleagues.
How would we know if going into a relationship 10 years ago, what choice someone would make under a certain degree of pressure?
We wouldn’t.
We would have made our best guess, years ago, as to whether the person we chose to be in relationship with, was aligned with us in all of our deeper held beliefs and values (most people probably didn’t even know their own beliefs and values intimately).
And then it may take a crisis to truly know where someone stood on a particular subject, and how it interplayed with their values and beliefs.
That is when we see the depth of the things we do have in common.
And perhaps our willingness to respect another persons opinion.
Regardless of this, my point is that we often don’t know how our relationships will weather major challenges, trauma’s and crisis.
We do our best to work together to navigate our way through these challenges, but there may be cases, that the person you chose (as your best guess) many years ago is no longer walking on the same path as you.
And that is okay.
In my opinion it is okay to part ways – as challenging as that is – if there is too much pain, discomfort, resentment, mistrust or the suppression of growth and fulfilment, for both parties in relationship.
We do our best, but if we can not come back into alignment, or some measure of harmony, then something needs to change.
Relationships formed in crisis
This was a pretty interesting observation by Beth.
She asked my opinion about the future of relationships that were formed in crisis, in order to provide connection, safety and security, and between people sharing similar world views.
I had never thought about that, but it made sense.
There are likely to have been relationship bonds formed, with someone who met the criteria for helping a person through crisis (and both ways), but what happens when the main part of the crisis passes?
Great question.
My suspicion is that the relationship needs to go back to square 1.
Yes we work well in a crisis together, but do we work well together in the ‘mundane’ of every day living?
Where we are not fueled by adrenalin, or aligned to protect ourselves against the same threats (real or perceived), or not facing off against the same ‘enemy’ (the them or others); how do we fair?
I had some opinions, but I just wanted to throw this out there for you to contemplate.
It makes me think of that saying about people coming into our lives for a reason, season or lifetime.
In Summary:
What a fascinating topic: navigating complex relationships.
If you want to hear all I have to say on the topic and my experience with the last few years, then check out the Podcast interview with Beth Martens.
And know, the most important thing we can do, which we do have the most control over, is the work on ourselves, to be the best we can be, so that we can be the best at navigating our way through all complexities, whether it is relationship, financial, an external crisis or anything else that life has to offer.
My Parting Words
It was definitely an interesting interview.
And a reminder of the extensive amount of pressure that has been put on all our relationships over the last few years.
I have a lot of empathy for people in relationships where core beliefs were in complete opposition, and the challenges that took to navigate through, or to transition out of.
These have not been easy times.
One of the later things I said the Beth, which I stand by, is that we can have a reasonable amount of personal growth by ourselves – attending the retreats, doing our meditations and inner work – but nothing fast-tracks our understanding of our inner landscape and what needs work, than entering into a relationship.
With the emotional intensity of relationships, you GET IT so much quicker than as a single person.
There are less places to hide.
Plus there is a great reflective lens present in relationships.
So as complex as they are, they are incredible places and spaces for us to grow into our fullest potential.
All the best with your own.
Enjoy every one of the personal interactions you have today and for the rest of the week, as they are special, regardless of their flavour.
Take care.
Carl
Quotable QUOTE:
“The number 1 thing to work on when it comes to enhancing the quality, depth and fulfilment in our relationships, is ourselves.” Carl Massy
(Author of 18 Ways We Make Life WAY Harder Than It Needs To Be)
PS: Have you read or listened to this book yet? 18 Ways We Make Life WAY Harder Than It Needs To Be
