As we approach the tail-end of 2024, I was wracking my brain trying to think of the best ways I could serve you in the weeks ahead.
Last week we talked about Plans Vs New Years Resolutions.
This week I am going to talk about how to have great conversations this Xmas, and not fisticuffs, or a need to start 2025 with a list of apologies.
During 2024, I was working with a number of clients who own their own business, or are around the CEO level, so I have had plenty of great opportunities to not only observe, but talk about what makes great and positively impactful communication.
The reality is this: In business and in life – poor communication is a HUGE energy-drainer, time-waster, and is anti-optimization.
In business it reduces profits.
In our personal lives it costs harmony points.
No one wants that.
Especially when it is ‘holiday season’.
We want holidays to equal relaxation, lightness and a whole load of harmony.
So here are 3 simple Tips to help you communicate better.
We are all pretty crap at this (but think we are much better)
What am I talking about?
Memory!
Most of us think we have a decent memory, but the reality is (and there are bucket loads of research studies to prove this), we all pretty much suck at remembering the “specific” details of a past event, unless we captured it on film, or wrote details down moments after an event occurred.
I talk about the shortfalls of memory in my book The Successful Mind, where I suggest that our mind remember a decent amount of details, but also make up a bunch of stuff that “seems like it might fit” into the multiple disjointed snapshots the brain recorded of an event.
Where am I going?
Have you ever had a conversation with a friend or family member (or work colleague) where you dug your heels in on how you remembered a particular event happened?
You were CONVINCED you remembered exactly what was said, what order, the whole context, everyone’s emotional state at the time (including what everyone was wearing), BUT the “REALITY” is that in actuality, you have significantly less than 100% accurate memories of the event.
And imagine – if based on your crappy memory – you decided to hold a grudge against that aunt, uncle, sister, mother, friend or brother, which affects your ability to connect with them.
Does that make sense?
I (personally) accept that my memory is pretty crap with the finer details (because of the limitations of how my brain stores information), so I rarely get bogged down in trying to aggressively defend my position, and acknowledge I might not remember the (whole) truth of the matter exactly, so how about I let it go, and we get back to connecting about the things we do seem to agree on.
This sort of hurts our hearts
Hands up if you like being seen, heard and appreciated.
I don’t need to be a clairvoyant to figure out whether you have your hand up, or not.
We ALL want to be seen, heard and appreciated.
It makes us feel good.
And when it doesn’t happen it dims the light of our soul just a little bit (or a lot) each time.
So…again where am I going with this?
I was recently reading a pretty good book called ‘The Virtue of Happiness‘ (Joel Wade, Ph.D.), and the author talked about how much of an effect (psychologically) it has on us when we feel dismissed, or we don’t matter.
He talked about the example of someone reaching out to get your attention (maybe it is a partner, child, or friend), and you give them 37% of your attention, while 63% stays attached to whatever it was you are doing (which these days probably involves some sort of technological device).
This makes the person reaching out feel unseen, unheard and that they don’t really matter.
It means a lot for us to feel the full weight of someone’s attention and presence directed at us – at deep levels.
Perhaps some of your favourite people in life are those people who are very good at giving you their full attention.
They are people who bring a high level of PRESENCE to whatever it is they are focused on.
Yes, it can be bothersome to be interrupted.
But, your connections and relationships are going to go to a whole new level if you are more fully present with the people in your life.
Even if you are fully present for 20 seconds to tell them that you will finish what you are doing in 10 mins and then come and see them to have the conversation they desired.
They feel seen, heard and that they truly matter.
And that means a LOT!
So this festive season, see if you can be more PRESENT with those people who matter in your life (which might mean putting down the ‘smart phone’).
Give the people you love the ‘Present’ of your PRESENCE this festive season.
You are not a pigeon, so don’t speak like one
My final festive season Tip.
I had a number of things that I could have put for Tip 3, but I decided on this.
Because this wastes WAY too much energy, and definitely makes life harder.
And as you know, I don’t like “harder than necessary“.
This is the tip: Be more SPECIFIC.
In other words – be REALLY clear about asking for what you want.
Now part of this might apply more to the ladies than the dudes (I am guessing ;-)).
Ladies…the thing where you “hint” to your dude about what you would like, is a really inefficient way to get what you actually want.
JUST ASK FOT IT!
(And see of you can also be even clearer about EXACTLY what you want when you ask).
Mind reading is a very uncommon skill these days.
Be specific.
And let me be clear in my communication unless I am misinterpreted.
We ALL (not just the women) need to do a better job of communicating with specifics.
Yes it might take more effort to use a whole sentence or paragraph than using Pigeon English (like on phone messages), but it saves a truck load of energy when the wrong message is received and the metaphorical train goes off the rails.
This festive season, slow down when speaking, use whole sentences, and don’t assume that someone understands what you are saying because it something that is ‘obvious’ to you.
Simple stuff, but very easily done wrong.
And often with significant consequences.
BONUS Tip: Take it easy on the drunk or even ‘slightly’ drunk texting too, which is VERY unlikely to end well!
In Summary:
Don’t trust your MEMORY to be 100% accurate in what it dishes up to your conscious mind. Accept that you might not remember exactly what was said or done, so ease up on the indignation and digging your heels in on some memory you may be 97.6% wrong about.
Give the Present of PRESENCE this Christmas.
Be SPECIFIC (no Pigeon English) in order to reduce confusion, assumptions, and the wrong outcome.
My Parting Words
I took a longer walk this morning with our dog Gundi, as I wracked my brain to come up with today’s topic.
And I feel pretty good that I have left you with some useful tools, reminders and insights.
If you want to go deeper into the mind and its construct (including around memory), you can tune into my free audiobook (The Successful Mind) at YouTube.
Next year I am going to go deeper into the topic of communication, as I think we have got much worse over the last decade.
Maybe it is due to less physical contact.
And less practice person-to-person.
With our ‘devices’ compounding bad habits.
Like speaking in Pigeon English, with abbreviations and ‘predicative text’.
Where the ‘smart’ phones predictions are frequently wrong.
How would you rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10 for your communication skills?
Do you need to do a better job?
If so, just start with the application of these 3 Tips, and you will take yourself up a couple of points on the 1-10 scale.
Have a clear and present day and a week of conscious observation of your communication skills, in order to learn and grow.
Take care,
Carl
Quotable QUOTE:
“This Christmas give the very special Present of your PRESENCE to those you love.” Carl Massy
(Author of 18 Ways We Make Life WAY Harder Than It Needs To Be
PS: Have you read or listened to this book yet? 18 Ways We Make Life WAY Harder Than It Needs To Be
