I was uncertain about what I was going to write about today.
As I was thinking about a topic, and reviewing ideas I have had over the last few weeks, I was interrupted by a woman talking outside our house VERY loudly.
..to people who were 100cm (3ft) away from her.
And suddenly I felt my heckles go up.
The reason is that this woman is also the woman who likes to dump a plastic bag (full of scraps) into the small creek 30m from our house.
This is the person who I said could tip her organic scraps into the creek (the lesser evil) and then put the plastic bag in a bin we have provided outside our house that has a sign on it – in Indonesian – to put your rubbish in the bin rather than throw it on the land next door (I also pay for the bin to be emptied).
Nup.
Too hard.
And therefore, she definitely fits into the category of ‘a person who I get annoyed with’.
So I am going on this journey today with you.
A journey about how we can be less bothered by any ‘annoying’ people who cross our paths in life.
Let’s see if we can come up with a bunch of strategies to navigate our way around ‘them’, and be less likely to let them adversely affect our moments, minutes and days.
Here goes!
Strategy / Insight #1
The first thing to realise is that there are going to be people who annoy us in life.
That is a given.
So let’s spend minimal time or energy being overly “surprised” that someone (or a number of people) ‘get under our skin’ or drain our energy.
I would also suggest we are not a ‘bad’ people for thinking that some people are annoying (even if they are family, co-workers, or associates).
It is okay – and not un-spiritual – to think some people are annoying.
So that’s our first point.
You are not an “a-hole” if you don’t want to hug and love up all humans on the planet.
That’s okay.
And one other thing; if no-one ever annoys you, sign me up to your program.
You are officially enlightened.
Strategy / Insight #2
Now we get to the harder to shallow pills.
Unless someone does something physically to us, which causes actual physical pain, then the ‘pain’ or discomfort we are experiencing from an annoying person comes is created from our inner landscape.
It is psychologically created.
In that it is not physically derived.
Generally the discomfort is a thought or feeling or both.
Which is actually a good thing.
In means that the locus of control is back in our hands.
So point number 2, is that we have potential control or influence, on how we experience annoying people.
Strategy / Insight #3
Of course if we can physically distance ourselves from annoying people (sometimes by moving to the other side of the planet ;-)), this can be a pretty good strategy.
Avoidance is not such a bad thing.
Less exposure to someone who triggers us, obviously will make us less triggered more of the time.
My other thought is to put the most effort into the avoidance of the most annoying people in your life.
Don’t put too much effort into the minor annoying people in your life.
Focus on the most annoying people and work your way down the list. 😉
A practical tip as well – headphones and ear plugs can work wonders.
Like with the annoying woman outside my window.
(It might be time to crank up some of my favourite tunes)
Strategy / Insight #4
Okay, now we are getting into the more juicy stuff.
Here is a strategy.
When you get triggered by an annoying person, ask yourself: “What is it I am telling myself, which makes me most annoyed at person X?”
Sometimes annoying people can actually teach us stuff.
Like my annoying (litter-bug) neighbour.
Maybe she is teaching me that I cannot change everyone. That some people just don’t care (or care about different stuff). That I need to choose which battles to fight. Also what might be essential for me to control or influence and what I may just need to surrender to.
Maybe she is giving me a reminder to ‘chill out’ and put things into perspective.
I think there is always something to learn from others – even (or especially) the annoying ones.
So take the time to see if a learning opportunity, can make up for any annoyance.
Strategy / Insight #5
This sort of follows on from the last one.
Sometimes when I get annoyed by the local lads riding their loud motorbikes too fast on the small lane out the front of our house, I zoom out, get perspective and ask myself if I was ever an annoying teenager, who had no respect for oldies?
The answer is a resounding ‘yes’; so sometimes that might help me suck it up a little easier.
In fact, the reality is that I was a total idiot on many occasions as a late teenager, and early adult (and maybe a bit beyond that too).
So I am actually pretty tolerant of people doing dumb sh#t, IF I zoom out and get perspective.
If I stay zoomed in, and judgy, I don’t have perspective and therefore am likely to stay in the cranky zone.
Perspective is a POWERFUL soothing balm.
Strategy / Insight #6
Talking about perspective…
One thing that might cool us down is not only recognizing, but fully acknowledging, that we are probably very unlikely to be able to change someone, unless we are their boss (and income provider) or their primary caregiver.
And even then you are not guaranteed.
Trying to change people (so they are less annoying to you), who don’t want to change, is pretty close to impossible.
So don’t be alarmed if they keep doing what they have always done.
You don’t have to accept ‘bad behaviour’ but you can choose how you interact with that person.
Or not.
Strategy / Insight #7
I have sort of talked about this one before, but it is worth shining a light on it from a different angle.
I am picky about who I hang out with.
I am picky about who I choose to work with.
I am okay with saying ‘no’ to a work offer, if I don’t really dig what the organisation or individual stand for.
I would rather have lunch by myself (or see a movie by myself) than do either with someone who is a bit annoying.
Or someone who is an energy drainer.
So choose your company, and be okay with a party of 1, if the choices are limited at the time.
Strategy / Insight #8
And finally.
I am more than comfortable admitting that I annoy, and am annoying to, different people.
Probably a lot.
So I don’t take it personally if someone doesn’t like me, or tells me I am annoying.
I just answer with a ‘yep’ and them decide what they will do with it.
I realise that I gel with some people over others.
And I am not everyone’s cup of tea.
So while I say that other people annoy me, I am also humble enough to admit that I am annoying for other people too.
Again, some perspective.
We are probably all pretty annoying to some people.
So no crime has been committed if some people give us the SH#TS. 😉
In Summary
Some people annoy us (or cause us to feel the emotion of annoyance).
It does not make you a bad person if you do not want to hug and love up everyone.
Avoidance works well.
Doing the inner work can also be the bigger gift, as we learn something about ourselves, which might lead us to changing something significant about ourselves.
It is really hard to change other people.
So the best strategy is to work on things that we can control and influence.
I have not listed it as a strategy, but MEDITATING, and creating a coherent nervous system, gives us a greater capacity to be unaffected by the behaviours, actions and words of others. It allows us to be ‘more chilled’.
My Parting Words
I hope you enjoyed this wee journey with me.
I think I can comfortably say that all of us get annoyed by some people in our lives.
And given it is SO likely to happen, it is worth reviewing EXACTLY how we deal with – internally and externally – those people in our lives.
Is there a strategy I mentioned which resonates for you?
…or is a great reminder?
Maybe you have some personal strategies and insights to send back my way.
Here is to both of us being better at handling any annoying people in our lives (like the litter-bug neighbour of mine ;-)) and making choices which lead to us giving up less of our equanimity to others.
Hoorah!!
Have a day of curiously exploring any ‘annoying’ people in your life, and a week experimenting with your chosen strategy.
Take care,
Carl
PS: Have you read or listened to this book yet? 18 Ways We Make Life WAY Harder Than It Needs To Be
