We started the year pretty easy with some simple tips on the DO’s and DON’Ts.
So are you now ready to go deeper?
Of course that is rhetoric, because I know that you are.
Otherwise you would have left me and my musings long ago.
Today’s article is inspired by a recent coaching client (45-years of age) and a deeper conversation about their parents, including their influence on their behaviours, even decades after ‘leaving the nest‘.
As a caveat, I acknowledge that some people have had some truly distressing, harmful and abusive experiences with their parents and upbringing, and if that is the case, then tread lightly through this discussion, plus I encourage you to seek professional support to process the deeper stuff.
My approach to this topic, and life in general, begins with a core belief that “life is for me and not against me” and that “everything (regardless of how discomfortable, unfair, or awful it was or is) is a potential opportunity to learn something new and to grow from that insight”.
With that lens of perception in place, let’s see where this takes us.
However, I know you are committed to doing the things that make your life more joyful, easeful, and less hard, so I know you are on board.
Here goes.
Behaviours trump genes
My other belief is that behaviours trump genes in their impact over the course of a lifetime.
I believe that genes shape many of our physical attributes (height, eye colour, hair colour, frame, etc.), but it is the learned behaviours, which influence our way of being and our lifestyle choices, which have the greatest long-term impact on us.
Regardless of what my body looks like (including the big gap between my front teeth) it is my beliefs, emotional management and behaviours – that have the greatest impact on what my life looks like, and how I interact with it.
And so many of the beliefs and behaviours I learned where compliments of my parents.
Whether it was copying a behaviour or adopting the opposite behaviour (consciously or unconsciously).
I began shaping my identity, beliefs, values, and behaviors, within the environment of my parents creation and influence.
And again, before I go any further, this is NOT a witch hunt.
It is a conscious, intelligent, wise, curious, and open-minded exploration into understanding ourselves better, so we become the greatest expression of ourselves in a way that serves us, others and the greater good.
We want to use ALL the potential information and resources available, so we hit our full potential.
And this is one of them.
Some of our greatest learnings
The direction we are taking, which I find so fascinating, is trying to understand what I do (or don’t do) that may have been influenced by my parents.
Quite often the thing that most frustrates us about a parent is something we ALSO express, but maybe in a slightly different way, so we don’t easily recognize the similarities and potential origins of it.
I like to look at the things that frustrate us about our parents, understand what EXACTLY about them frustrates us, and then have a good honest and inward look to see if we also behave in that particular way.
Again, this is not a witch-hunt, but an information gathering exercise.
The greatest thing we can do when it comes to our parents, is to very consciously decide what it is that we most admire about our parents and do more of that, and recognize the things that were, or are, less resourceful about our parents behaviours, and do less of them.
We need to know that a lot of who we are has been shaped by our parents, so after acknowledging this, we want to take a very aware step back, and consider what we need to hang onto, and what we need to let go of (or change).
And to soften any resentment that may come up, we only need to consider what upbringing our parents had, to better understand why they behave the way they do.
Maybe they were raised by parents that grew up in the great depression, or in an abusive household, or living under a communism regime, or with a painful divorce or sudden death, which lead them into a survival state, mentally and emotionally, and was expressed in different ways.
What we are trying to do is to make the unseen or unrecognized, seen and recognized.
To become more self-aware.
I love my dad, though he was a bit on the overly-controlling side (due to clear events in his upbringing), and I have definitely gravitated towards being overly-controlling throughout my life.
But I also recognize, through self-reflection, that in a constantly changing world and universe – which I definitely don’t control – being overly controlling is a recipe for excess stress.
This means I want to add conscious awareness to the learned need for control, so I can practice accepting that I have certain control over some things, but let go of the things I have no control over (like the current rainy weather which is messing with our house-building project here in Bali ;-)).
If I know what behaviours, values, beliefs and emotional habits I have learned from my parents, I can do a better job of consciously deciding how to use them, or how to transcend them, if they are of no value to me in my life.
So again this exercise is about gaining insight, in order to make better decisions.
And not being angry at our parents for being imperfect, but thanking them for the insights they are now granting us.
Getting practical
Here is what I think is a practical way to do this.
Get a blank sheet of paper, write ‘mum’ or ‘dad’ at the top, and then divide the paper into two with a vertical line down the centre.
On one side write “The things that are of high value”, and on the other side write “The things that aren’t so useful”.
“Things” include: behaviours, beliefs, values, habits, etc..
Now get busy writing.
Remember, it is information gathering, so stay curious and open-minded.
Next you might ask yourself, in relation to each entry, “How am I also like this?”.
Especially when it comes to the ‘less useful’ stuff.
Identify if there is a way you are behaving in the same way, but doing it in a more subtle way (which makes you look ‘less bad’ ;-)).
Often, until we really poke around in this stuff, we have NO IDEA that we also do that thing that totally ticks us off about mum or dad.
Again, this is all information and FEEDBACK to help you LEARN and GROW.
How can we make a change if we don’t know what needs changing?
A mechanic can’t start working on a faulty car, until they understand where the problem is.
They become aware of the issue, and then they can work on a solution.
It’s the same with us.
And just so we are clear, generally our parents have more influence on our behaviour, and making those behaviours habitual (to form our personality), when we are younger, so when you curiously shine a light on your parents, perhaps you focus more on how they behaved when you were a child, as opposed to as an adult, as they may have changed since then.
And one last time – this is information gathering, not witch-hunting. 🙂
Healing potential
One of the possible benefits from this work is releasing – known or unknown – repressed feelings of resentment, anger, sadness or the likes.
I often work with clients who have some significant repressed feelings related to their parents, but because they feel at some level that it would be ungrateful for them to feel the feelings (that they actually feel), they try and keep the emotions buried.
When we can express emotions, without judgement, there is a whole lot of healing potential.
Emotional energy is often released and energy liberated.
And we may actually see our parents in a different light, which can often lead to forgiveness, or greater levels of acceptance.
In Summary
I love my dad and my mum.
I also know my beliefs, values, habits, identity, quirks, self-esteem, behaviours, likes, dislikes, and personality have been heavily influenced by them and my upbringing under their care, so I am curious about what I learned from them (consciously and unconsciously), which are of the highest value to me for this stage in my life.
I also want to make the unconscious conscious, so I can use it to my best advantage.
If we observe with consciousness and curiosity, we can gather very useful information, to be used for just cause, in order to become the best person and parent (for those of you with children of your own) we can be. That’s the target!
My Parting Words
Sometimes we can get into pretty uncomfortable places when we shine a light on our parents.
There can be automatic avoidance, because that might mean we are not appreciating their sacrifices for our upbringing.
And make us BAD children.
But if we look back to our formative years without judgement, and with a clear intention of ‘information-gathering‘ in order to learn and grow, it can be a very different experience.
I personally am up for using whatever information I can find, if it will help me be a better human.
I want to know what habits I express unconsciously, through learned conditioning, during my upbringing.
That is useful stuff.
And AWARENESS always precedes change.
What can you learn by actually undertaking today’s exercise?
Let it be rocket fuel for your personal evolution (as opposed to resentment or a blind spot).
So have a insightful day and a week of useful information-gathering which leads to even more personal growth.
Take care.
Carl
Quotable QUOTE:
My approach to life begins with a core belief that “life is for me and not against me” and that “everything (regardless of its discomfort) is a potential opportunity to learn something new and to grow from that insight“. Carl Massy
(Author of 18 Ways We Make Life WAY Harder Than It Needs To Be)
PS: Have you read or listened to this book yet? 18 Ways We Make Life WAY Harder Than It Needs To Be
