Okay, let’s start with the hands up thing?
Who thinks resentment is a good feeling, or healthy emotion, especially when it comes to making wise decisions?
No one, is my guess.
If resentment was a fuel, it is the equivalent of kerosene.
Trying to use kerosene in a high-performance car (the metaphoric ‘you’) and expecting it to perform optimally, is just not going to happen.
So resentment is like ‘kerosene’ and it is no one’s “fuel of choice”.
Unfortunately…
…many people don’t KNOWINGLY choose it, but by doing certain things in certain ways (bad habits), the END RESULT is they ARE using ‘kerosene as their fuel.
It’s time to change that, and here is how.
Products that tend to generate ‘kerosene’
I want to start with one which happened – for me – just the other day.
It was “GUILT“.
Guilt is generally a pretty low-grade emotion, which serves poorly, and other than maybe making us do better in the future, it is not that useful.
First let me set the context of an example, in as few words as possible.
My partner – Ferry – is a total foodie and loves cooking and eating out. Just recently (as you know) I did a 5-day water-only fast. And even more recently, I ate some organ meats from a local ‘warung’ (cafe) and had the poops for 5 days. In essence, there were a lot of days of me not eating, and Ferry not getting to participate in one of her most joyful life experiences.
Now let’s talk about the “guilt” thing.
I allowed myself (i.e. Ferry did not make me) to generate the feelings of “GUILT” because I had not participated in the food and dining-out experience with Ferry for an extended period of time, so I rushed back into eating full meals (and going out for meals), well before my body was ready to do so.
The outcome was a lot of stomach discomfort, plus too much pressure on my digestive and elimination systems, following the bout of gastro.
My point is that feeling GUILTY (which I generated), was terrible fuel for WISE decision-making.
My emotions drove my decision-making, as opposed to wise thinking.
Furthermore, if I had not taken personal responsibility for the (self-generation) of GUILT, it would have likely led to feeling RESENTMENT towards Ferry – for ‘making me eat when I didn’t want to’ or similar blame game stories.
The same outcome applies to doing things because you feel you SHOULD, MUST, HAVE TO, OUGHT TO, etc.
The chances of experiencing RESENTMENT because you did something – not because you wanted to – but because you felt you SHOULD, is very high.
Likewise, if you did something because you felt you “MUST” do it.
Even when you do something because you “OUGHT TO”.
All of these choices, which are mostly “habits”, have a high potential to lead to RESENTMENT.
Which we all agree is a crappy fuel to create a high-performing YOU.
What’s a better choice?
A better choice
The better choice is simple.
CHOOSE to do, what you want to do, because you want to do it.
Instead of doing something because you feel you “should”, stop, and then restart the experience (influencing the outcome) by saying: “The thing I CHOOSE to do is…”
You can still “choose” to do the same thing (that you previously felt you ‘should’ do), but there is a different energy to the choice.
You are OWNING YOUR POWER.
And it FEELS GREAT!!!!
You become a person who makes bold choices.
Who is not easily pushed around or influenced.
Who steers the ship of their destiny.
Who truly likes and approves of the person looking back at them from the mirror.
It does take boldness, tenacity, and courage to make your own choices, but it also means you won’t be fueling up on resentment, and making low-grade, emotionally triggered, decisions.
Start small, but do exercise this muscle.
The best way to start this practice is any time you catch yourself saying “should”, pause, step back, and then replace it with “I choose…”
Then apply it to “must”, “ought to”, “have to”, etc..
And finally, once your muscles are more development, start exploring any feelings of “guilt” you might experience, and see if you can understand what is really going on.
Why are you choosing to feel guilt, and what might be a better course of action?
In Summary
Resentment is low-grade fuel for a high-performing you.
Doing something out of “guilt” can very easy lead to resentment (and subsequent poor choices).
Doing something because you feel you “should”, “must”, “ought to” has a high probability of leading to resentment.
And finally, feeling “resentment” is a very poor place to make high-quality decisions from.
My Parting Words
I am very conscious of the emotion of resentment and its root causes.
And I am very aware that when I try to make decisions from a place of resentment, they are lower quality, more short-sighted, and more likely to lead to negative consequences in the future.
So if I feel any resentment, I want to reverse engineer the experience, and see what the root cause is.
Then address that.
And as I have shared here, one of the most common causes is doing stuff that we did not personally choose to do.
I mean honestly, who likes being told what to do?
I guess it is okay occasionally (like 1-2 times a year), but not ALL the time.
How are you at choosing what you want to do, because you want to do it?
And of course we want to do this in a compassionate, but assertive and courageous way, so we don’t cause too much carnage and collateral damage as we step into our power.
You’ve got this. 🙂
Enjoy choosing how you will experience today and the rest of the week, and feel your personal power flourish.
Take care.
Carl
Quotable QUOTE:
“Instead of doing something because you feel you “should”, stop, then restart the experience (and influence the outcome) by saying: “The thing I CHOOSE to do is...” Carl Massy(Author of 18 Ways We Make Life WAY Harder Than It Needs To Be)
PS: Have you read or listened to this book yet? 18 Ways We Make Life WAY Harder Than It Needs To Be
