I was trying to find the right phrase, to sum up (cross-culturally) what it means when things go to sh#t, without me using a swear word.
Now the reason I refrain from swear words in my writing is so my emails don’t get flagged as bad, or naughty, or non-politically-correct.
After 14 years in the Army, I can swear with the best of them.
But I digress.
I think we all know what I am talking about when I say ‘things go sideways‘.
Essentially we have this great idea, plan and course of action happening, and then all of a sudden (or maybe not suddenly) it all “seems” to turn to poop.
Things come off the rails and you are left thinking “WTF do I do now?“
We have all been there.
Whether it is a relationship ending, a tragedy in the family, a death, a failed business, a left-of-field $100k tax debt (hang in there PP), a health scare, the loss of your biggest client, or numerous other scenario’s. Regardless of the context, the outcome is they sort of feel like a punch in the guts.
They take the wind out of your sails.
Turn your stomach into knots.
Make the world feel a little less bright.
You get the idea.
What I want to do today is firstly to acknowledge that this experience completely SUCKS for all of us (I feel for everyone of you going though your own crisis); but today I also want to offer some practical THINGS TO DO, when you are feeling lost or don’t know where to start.
So take what works for you from my offerings, and see how they might support you navigating through your own version of a quagmire.
And I note that this is a BIG topic, so I am just touching the surface here, but I like to help regardless, especially for an experience that I know all of us are facing or will face in the future.
The 1st Thing
Sometimes, depending on the size and complexity of your issue, the first thing might be to reach out for help.
Often we might leave this until late in the game, when things are picking up momentum (or spiraling out of control).
Sometimes we don’t ask for help because we feel ashamed.
Or we want to prove we can do it by ourselves.
Or we don’t want to ‘load others up with our problems‘.
Or some other (well-meaning) reason.
Don’t leave the ‘getting help’ any longer than you need to.
I often say to people that I am okay with them suffering for about 48 hours (max), but then I encourage them to reach out for a helping hand.
Talking to the right people about our ‘issues’ (i.e. people who don’t add to the drama) can be a great way to turn the volume down on the emotional overload.
Which takes me to my next point.
Managing your emotional state
This is not easy.
And sometimes just talking to someone else, especially someone who has ‘been there and done that‘, can reduce the emotional fears and reactive response.
It can help us to see a possibility within the situation.
The biggest challenge with trying to work our way through, or out of challenging issues, is that if we are in a fearful or reactive emotional state, it will be much harder for us to come up with creative and intelligent solutions. Our brains left to their own devices will naturally go into full-on ‘survival’ mode (fight, flight or freeze) when it perceives a threat – real or imagined.
There are lots of different ways we can change our emotional state, so let me briefly share a number of ideas and strategies, to see what might work for you:
- Connect with caring, grounded people (some people care, but they are not the right people to hang with when things go to poop).
- Keep zooming out to see the bigger picture, to get perspective, and to reduce the likelihood of catastrophizing.
- To help the tip above, I keep asking myself “What’s the Reality?“. A lot. It busts through assumption-based story building.
- Use techniques like Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT).
- Spend more time physically ‘looking up‘, which help us from slipping into a despondent state and a negative inner dialogue if we spend more time looking down.
- To tie in with the above, spend time in nature especially places where you can see out over the horizon (it opens the mind to possibility, and relaxes the nervous system).
- Do breathing exercises like Wim Hof breathing, or pranayama techniques from traditional yoga.
- Do your best to continue to exercise (which works as well or better than most anti-depressants, and has no side-effects).
- Do physical activities like traditional yoga, tai chi, qigong, martial arts, which are all designed to move energy in your body.
- Work with a therapist, counselor or the right coach.
- Meditate (I think the right ‘guided meditations‘ are best if your mind and emotions are a bit all over the place).
- Journal (this allows you to slow things down and get perspective).
- Get lots of sunshine, fresh air, water, and eat real food.
- Spend time in your ‘happy spot‘, which might be a park, a favourite chair, a beach, a mountain, a chalet, or the spa.
And I am sure there will be even more things I will think of after I send this Newsletter.
The aim here is to do things that will calm or deactivate the ‘fight, flight or freeze’ response, so we can get to the solution phase.
Some Realities
Part of working your way through life’s challenges is to acknowledge a few ‘realities‘, which include:
- You are WAY more powerful than you have been lead to believe.
- You are not given a problem that you don’t have the capacity to figure out (whether with your resources or with finding the right help).
- Some stuff takes time to figure out, so acknowledge if something built up over time, it will take a period of time to undo, untangle or change.
- As a human, you and I are highly ADAPTIVE (that is how we have been created, and even our brains are designed with neuroplasticity to enable neurons to change connections).
- Good people will help you if you genuinely ask for it (there are LOTS of good people in the world that will help you if asked).
- The past does not equal the future (it is the choices you make today that will help steer your future, and can overcome some past bad habits or experiences).
- EVERYTHING (good or bad) is an opportunity to learn and GROW (I say again: everything!)
PART 2: When your emotional state is more calm
Part 1 is always to work on our emotional state, to get us out of ‘survival‘ mode (once we are out of any immediate physical danger), and get us into a curious, calm and creative state. That is why is it so useful to have Tools and Practices that help us get better at managing our emotional state.
Once our emotions are more settled, I go back to my old best friend (a powerful question) and ask “What’s the reality?”.
I am ruthless in asking this question in order to avoid assumptions, stories, incorrect beliefs, other peoples stories, made up sh#t, and familial or society templates.
Once you are looking into the reality – and it might work better to write it down – then you want to focus on what the NEXT SMALL STEP is for you to take in order to break any inertia and start the momentum in the direction of your choosing.
My recommendation is to take small, conscious, curious and creative, next steps.
Just to get you out of the ‘danger zone’.
Once your small steps take you out of the (perceived) danger zone, then you can start working on the bigger stuff.
But my recommendation is to just start with the small stuff.
It will give you ‘positive’ feedback that you are able to create change, and move beyond this issue.
Again, if you are stumped on the next small step, ask for some help from the right person or people.
And ACCEPT the help given.
Share the load until you build your strength back, and have some momentum going.
In Summary
I think that is all for now, on this pretty big subject.
The generic essence of my recommendations are:
- Work on changing your emotional state out of ‘survival’ mode so you have more choices than fight, flight or freeze.
- There are a number of “realities” it is of value to embrace (maybe even place the ones that resonate for you where you will see them).
- Get clear of what the actual REALITY is you are facing.
- Take SMALL, conscious, curious and creative next steps (start small until you start to feel your own self-generated momentum).
- Once you are out of the (perceived) danger zone, then you can take bigger and bolder steps.
My Parting Words
This is a big topic, but one we all are facing (now) or will face in our future.
What do we do when things turn to poop?
It is good to have a bit of a roadmap to work with when we are feeling lost and non-creative because we are in survival mode.
Plus my biggest idea is that in many cases you need to ask for help sooner, rather than later.
While something is still a relatively small sh#t-fight.
And I know I keep banging on about the reality question, but it is so important when we are trying to figure things out.
If our small next step is based on an assumption it can take us immediately in the wrong direction.
Not cool.
There are also lots of ways to change our emotional state, and it will differ based on you and your situation, but hopefully I have given you something to work with – even if it is as simple as catching yourself out when you look down, and turning your vision upwards (this is actually an NLP technique).
And finally, I acknowledge that we all go through this stuff, and it is not easy to experience or to figure your way through, but I have a belief in my heart which says you have all you need within you to figure this situation out and ultimately learn and grow from it – into an even more awesome human being.
So keep this email handy, or pass it to someone you think would benefit from these ideas and perspectives, and feel free to reach out for a hand, if ever you need it.
Have a great day, basking in your adaptive powers to figure sh#t out, and a week observing your small steps growing into something worthy of a good solid pat on the back.
Take care,
Carl
PS: Have you read or listened to this book yet? 18 Ways We Make Life WAY Harder Than It Needs To Be
